How To Wash Your Clothes in Manhattan

For the second in this series of instructive posts about living in New York, we present instructions for washing your clothes in the city. 

Option 1: Visit a Laundromat

Chances are your apartment doesn't have a washer and dryer - if it did, you'd lose half your square footage anyway. 

1. Locate a nearby laundromat. There is probably one just a block or two away from where you live.

2. Collect your laundry. Keep in mind that washing your clothes is a pain, so be discerning when deciding what to toss in your laundry bag. It's probably ok to wear that pair of jeans a second (or third, or sixth) time.

3. Be prepared when you go. This means allowing yourself sufficient time to walk down four flights of stairs with a bulging laundry bag, and bringing enough reading material and money to get you through the process. Don't forget the detergent!

4. Select a washer of appropriate size. Most laundromats will have two to three different options. Remember that as size goes up, so does price. Fill the washer with your clothes and add the soap, which you forgot to bring and had to purchase for an exorbitant price from the staff.

5. Insert approximately 4,000 quarters into the machine. This will take 20 minutes. Collect quarters from your daily purchases and save them for laundry day, or use on of the change machines at the laundromat.

 6. Sit back to wait. You'll likely have about 45 minutes. Read, nod off, or practice your Spanish by eavesdropping on the conversations of fellow patrons. Alternately, give up trying to pretend you don't see the 3-year-old girl whose mother is resolutely ignoring her questions, comments, offers of help, and existence in general, and play with her until the washer stops.
7. Remove clothes from the washer. Use one of the carts on wheels to help you do this, as any clothing that comes into contact with the floor of the laundromat must be incinerated immediately. Place clothes that should be air-dried in a plastic bag. Wheel the cart with the remaining clothes to the drier.
8. Load the dryer. See Step 5 concerning quarters.
9. Take the plastic bag home. Be sure to check the time left on the drier to figure out when you need to return, first. Upon returning to your apartment, hang your wet clothes wherever you can. Options include over doorknobs, backs of chairs, and open drawers/cupboards/doors. Leave an apologetic note to your roommate for the unmentionables draped from the door of every kitchen cabinet and swear that they are clean and that you will remove them as soon as they are dry.

10. Return to the drier. Sort through to remove clothes that are already dry - usually synthetic materials - then add more quarters to continue drying your stubborn towels and jeans. Fold the dry clothes while you wait for the damp ones to be done. This is the most efficient use of your time and your quarter stash.
11. Remove the rest of your clothes from the drier and fold them. Stack them back in your laundry bag, then haul it back to your apartment. Politely decline all offers of help from men smoking cigarettes on stoops in your neighborhood. Do not return their winks.
12. Put your clothes away. Pour yourself a drink. Resolve to spend your first post-New York paycheck on your own washer/drier.

Option 2: The Aussie Method
This involves obtaining and assembling and Australian washing machine, which consists of a bucket and a clean toilet plunger. Insert water, detergent, and clothes, one or two items at a time. To work it, imagine that you are churning butter. Be sure to check your standards at the door and to allow plenty of time for drying.

Option 3: The Aristocratic Method
Take your laundry to the laundromat and pay by the pound for them to wash and fold it for you. Be aware that your laundry may come back smelling like Febreeze but not necessarily any cleaner than when you dropped it off. Note: Allow plenty of time to advertise and sell your spare organs on eBay to collect revenue for this venture.